It’s been a complicated couple of weeks for Beth and me. Amidst outbreaks of Covid-19, protests and social unrest, and a world roiling in the general turmoil of our moment in history, we were faced with more proximate losses.
We lost one of Beth’s sisters-in-law to cancer. We lost a friend to suicide.
For obvious reasons so much of 2020 has revolved around thinking about death and dying, even for those of us who have been lucky enough to not be in its vicinity. As a result I’ve been taking a fresh look at what I want from the limited time I have, but also pondering the idea of agency in life (including the end) quite a bit.
If there is one thing that is certain it’s that no one gets out alive. We are all at some stage of the living/dying parallax, and not all of us will have the benefit of agency over the finale. For most of us there are many loose ends and squandered time in our lives; and likely those loose ends will be hardest to tie as we step into our later days, just as squandered time is the hardest to recover.
Acting early, with a clear view of what we want our end to be is an incredible service to those who survive us. But it can also be a treasure map of how to live our present lives…
What do we want from this life? What are we willing to sacrifice to that end? Where currently is my personal equilibrium of self-improvement and pleasure? These are all questions that take into account our present positions, how we’d like our ends to be, and what we want our journeys to look like. There are certainly better and worse ways to die. There are also better and worse ways to live.
As I considered my own choices and desires I was surprised by certain realizations about “pleasures” that I can do without, “passions” that aren’t so fulfilling, “obligations” that are more enjoyable than anticipated, and “difficult tasks” that create resilience and improve the remainder of my time in a fashion that make them indispensable (even if not the most immediately pleasurable).
So, in the interests of navel gazing, I encourage you to consider your own questions and answers.
And I have one final thought in that regard:
No matter what is most important to you, no matter what causes you represent, no matter who or what you live for, your most critical task is self-care. If you are not strong enough mentally and physically to fight for your beliefs, you are not truly doing your best. If you are not providing yourself with the mental and physical training and recovery necessary you run a high risk of becoming a liability to your cause. The priority is not to work yourself to the bone, nor is it to live in a persistent state of hedonism. Being unable to balance your work, loved-ones, and self-care is not heroic — it’s a symptom of weaknesses and gaps that are making things worse for everyone around you, yourself included. Get organized. Start at the finish. Build your map. Take agency. And good luck.
