Author Archives: Beth & Eric

Getting and staying lean is largely about increasing food volume while decreasing calories.

Improving and maintaining healthy eating habits is largely about making your food delicious.

Together, these mean eating a boatload of veggies and making those veggies preposterously tasty.

…and if you’re anything like us you’re typically pressed for time and don’t want to spend forever making that boatload of tasty veg.

We’re here to help, with assistance from our friends Broccoli and The Incredible Hulk:

It’s Friday and Governor Cuomo told us yesterday we will be locked in until May 15th (at least) and all we can do is eat more martinis.

Learn to make the Cuomo-tini in under 2 minutes:

Or if you just want the recipe:

• Fill mixing tin or glass with ice
• 1 dash dry vermouth (we like Dolin’s)
• 2.5 oz. vodka (we like Grey Goose)
• Stir until frost forms on the outside of mixing tin (~30 sec)
• Strain into martini glass or coupe
• Garnish with olive

Welcome to a very egg-citing edition of Kitchen Hacks all about – you guessed it – eggs! Seeing as it’s Easter 2020, and instead of heading to church, family events, Easter Egg Rolls, or any other Sunday social gatherings we figured we would regale you with a virtual Easter basket chock-full of tasty egg related material!

In recent weeks you may have noticed a pretty serious depletion (and price increase) of eggs at the grocery store. According to egg-onomic egg-sperts (fair warning; I’m going to do this EVERY time) “…sales of eggs in shells went up 44 percent for the week ending March 14 compared with a year ago, with retailers ordering six times normal volume. Wholesale egg prices have risen 180 percent since the beginning of March.” Apparently the current shortage has been caused by a new phenomenon called “stress-baking” (a.k.a. attempting to keep the little ones busy while coop-ed up in quarantine).

“What’s in the egg! Oh, god, what’s in the egg!”

I’ve always wondered why Easter is strongly associated with eggs. Further eggs-amination lead me to Carole Levin, Professor of History and Director of the Medieval and Renaissance Studies Program at the University of Nebraska, who suggests that “many scholars believe that Easter had its origins as an early Anglo-Saxon festival that celebrated the goddess Eastre, and the coming of spring, in a sense a resurrection of nature after winter… Some Christian missionaries hoped that celebrating Christian holy days at the same times as pagan festivals would encourage conversion, especially if some of the symbols carried over. Eggs were part of the celebration of Eastre. Apparently eggs were eaten at the festival and also possibly buried in the ground to encourage fertility.”

Way-to-go Christianity.

If the whole appropriation of pagan rituals isn’t really your thing, during my egg-stensive research, I learned you can also use eggs to detect evil magic!

(no seriously, CLICK HERE to learn how to do it)

Here in the Bergmann household we LOVE cooking with and eating eggs. In recent years, however, we’ve radically changed the way we shop for eggs. The following is a quick rundown of egg nomenclature and some tidbits on purchasing eggs that you may find enlightening.

Quality: Does it matter? Sort of…

Grade AA: AA eggs are supposed to have exceptionally firm, thick egg whites and a round, high yolk. They’re best when used for poaching or frying, but can certainly be used for any purpose.

Grade A: These are the eggs typically found in your local grocery store. These eggs are very similar to AA eggs except for their whites, which can be slightly less firm. They are also excellent for poaching and frying, but can be used for anything.

Grade B: Grade B eggs have a flatter yolk and thinner whites. Typically, these are used for scrambled eggs or shuffled off for industrial use (i.e. dry, frozen or liquid egg products).

Things to ignore:

All-Natural/Farm Fresh
This term simply indicates that the product is eggs. The label does not guarantee anything about the provenance or quality of the eggs, though they may be minimally processed and contain no added ingredients.

Hormone-Free
Government regulations prohibit hormones from being artificially injected into chickens, meaning every egg is already hormone-free. Although some eggs may be labeled this way, they are just the same as every other egg.

Antibiotic-Free
Antibiotics are so rarely used in the poultry industry that almost every egg is already antibiotic-free. Some eggs may be labeled this way, but it doesn’t do anything to set them apart from every other egg. Even when hens are injected with antibiotics, their eggs will not be affected. Only three types of antibiotics have been approved by the FDA to treat diseases in hens and these have no effect on eggs. If anything, these drugs have the power to cure chickens of diseases and prevent them from laying infected eggs.

Color
What do these different colors mean? Absolutely nothing! A colored egg is no healthier or unhealthier than a white egg. There is no variance in nutritional value at all. In fact, the only reason some eggs have different colors is because of the genetics of the chicken who laid the egg. Some folks claim a general way to tell what color egg a chicken will lay is to look at her earlobe! HOLD on CHICKENS have EARLOBES. Yeah, apparently they have earlobes. Boil that in your brain for one minute.

Yep that’s both a (terrifying) chicken and a chicken earlobe. I’m just dropping all sorts of knowledge bombs on you this Easter Sunday.

A hen with a white earlobe will always lay white eggs, whereas hens with red earlobes can lay brown, blue or green eggs. According to eggs-perts this is not a perfect science. (Duh)

Things to consider:

Omega-3

Eggs with this label come from hens that are fed a diet—often flaxseeds and occasionally fish oil—that produces higher levels of omega-3 fatty acids in their yolks. While this is a fairly new label it’s quickly becoming quite popular due to the way these eggs provide consumers with a small boost in their omega-3s.

Certified Organic

A voluntary certification issued by the USDA, guaranteeing that the hens are fed an organic, vegetarian diet (see below) free of antibiotics and pesticides. They are also required to live uncaged in barns with outdoor access, but the amount of time hens are allowed outdoors is undefined. While it isn’t guaranteed, these chickens are far more likely to have exposure to sunlight during their lives. One of the primary benefits of certified organic eggs is that they limit your exposure to potentially harmful pesticides.

Cage-Free/Free-Range/Free-Roaming

The hens are not kept in battery cages, an unfortunate industry practice that keeps hens confined to tiny spaces. “Free-range” or “free-roaming” typically means that the hens have some access to the outdoors, though there’s no guarantee they actually go there, while “cage-free” may or may not involve the option to go outside. In most cases, the chicken still lives in very close quarters with little or no sunlight. Their beaks and wings were probably still clipped. However, per their distinctive label, the chickens were not technically raised in cages.

The gold standard:

Certified Humane

This label, issued by Humane Farm Animal Care, indicates that the birds are uncaged and have living conditions that meet a minimum standard. This includes a prohibition on molting through starvation, a technique widely practiced in commercial egg production to increase the number of eggs that hens in their second or third season can lay. Chickens must live in decent conditions that are checked regularly for rodents and have proper ventilation and nice floor coverings. The hens also need to be given boxes of dirt to dust-bathe in.

Animal Welfare Approved

Animal Welfare-Approved (AWA) is an organization designed to promote higher levels of environmentally sustainable farming practices as well as animal welfare. Food that has been approved by this organization must have been farmed using green farming methods and the animals must have been raised using humane practices.

The AWA issues this label to eggs from cage-free hens that have continuous outdoor access. The birds are also required to have a certain amount of space, perches, and nesting boxes per flock. They must be allowed to molt naturally, and beak cutting is not allowed.

Things to potentially avoid:

Vegetarian-Fed

This label conveys that the hens are fed an all-vegetarian diet with no animal by-products, as with certified organic eggs.

Adrienne Rose Johnson of Bon Appetit writes, “Vegetarian-fed hens don’t make a lot of sense because chickens are bloodthirsty scavengers. Sure they eat grains and seeds, but chickens are omnivores and eat just about everything: earthworms, crickets, little specks of insects and fly larvae harvested in cow patties. All sorts of tiny buggy living things we can’t see and would probably rather not think about.”

“One chicken farmer at Polyface Farms in Virginia reported a nasty case of cannibalism after feeding his chickens a vegetarian diet. Apparently so deprived of protein, the chicks began eating each other.” (Actually, to use the farmer’s words, “the more aggressive chicks were tearing at the weaker ones from the outside in”.) “They only stopped cannibalizing when fed small pieces of a deer carcass, freshly skinned and harvested from the roadside.”

Poultrygeist is an ACTUAL movie, with ACTUAL actors, and movie reviews; Owen Gleiberman of Entertainment Weekly awarded the film a B+ rating, calling it “an exploitation movie with soul” and noting “it’s genuine sick fun, and there isn’t a boring moment in it”. Nathan Lee of The New York Times spoke of the film as being “as perfect as a film predicated on the joys of projectile vomiting and explosive diarrhea can be”, describing it as “liberating” in a “lowbrow way”.

Speaking of cannibalism and seeing as it’s Easter Sunday and there’s that whole body of Christ thing (just yolkin’ around y’all), here’s an article about a guy who actually hosts a dinner party to eat his own foot:

(Human) Taco Party

I don’t mean to sound like such an egghead but as far as cooking eggs goes they are unusually versatile. They are one of the only foods that comes pre-packaged and straight out of the shell can be prepared without any other ingredients (about) 14 different ways. And boiling alone can yield results as versatile as the egg itself.

Eggs also come in a plethora of different sizes (laid by a variety of birds) from the tiny quail egg to the illustrious ostrich egg. The latter happens to be the largest single cell on the planet and contains the equivalent volume of up to 24 normal sized eggs. Here’s a video straight from the Bergmann archives of the time we were gifted an ostrich egg by our friend Dan the Song Parody Man and made two whole trays of deliciousness we aptly named the Dragon Frittata:

If you are in the habit of eating 24 eggs per day and ostrich eggs are not readily available you may need to consider getting your own flock of egg producers to satisfy that insatiable hunger. As luck would have it, chickens can be raised in nearly any city in America by anyone who damn well pleases to raise chickens. Even our very own metropolis of NYC is an eggs-tremely chicken-friendly city. The Department of Parks & Recreation even (periodically) sponsors workshops for residents interested in learning how to raise their own backyard chickens.

So where can you purchase your very own feathered friend? Online of course! Turns out the United States Postal Service has officially been mailing out poultry and select other live animals like bees, snails, scorpions, goldfish, “small, harmless, cold-blooded animals,” and even baby alligators—so long as they’re under 20 inches—to people all over the country since 1918.

Wait… how do all those baby chicks survive the journey from coop to stoop? The theory is just before baby chickens leave their shell they eat all of the yolk left inside which provides all the sustenance they need for their first few days of life.

John Metzer, owner of Gonzales, a California-based chicken hatchery explains, “God designed them that way so we can mail them.”

A big thanks to Mr Metzer for reminding us that mail-order chicks is just one more miraculous thing the g-man did for us this holiday Sunday.

Newton’s First Law of Motion is the Law of Inertia. Most of us know it by its colloquial definition: A body in motion tends to stay in motion, and its correlate: A body at rest tends to stay at rest. I, for instance, haven’t left the house in a week.

except I’m wearing pants… probably

I’m fond of saying that environments drive behaviors. And I think this environment of quarantine tends to create bodies at rest… not just physical rest, but a more generalized stagnation in work, play, exercise, and self-improvement.

This isn’t a condemnation of character or a statement about will power (which I honestly don’t believe exists, at least not in the format it’s typically advertised). This is simply what tends to happen when we as humans are thrust in such environments. Which is to say, it’s not your fault, but also that if you’re aware that the environment is driving your actions (or lack of action… which, yes, is an action) then you can take up arms against that environment.

So, without any further ado, we’d like to share with you one of the weapons we use to shift the inertia in our environment:

Previously I mentioned the power in making a hypothetical Regrets Apoca-list — a roadmap to way-off-in-the-future-you. By contrast, this Apoca-list is about the the very near future: it’s a plan for today/tomorrow.

Consider the top three things you’d like to accomplish today or tomorrow (I prefer to make plans for the next day so that I’m less inclined to fall prey to my baser instincts: drinking and eating until I’m too drunk and lethargic to do anything meaningful. Realizing your pitfalls is an integral part of environment modification).

Once you know what those three are (and you may come up with more than three, but I encourage you to stick to the top three) write them down. Yes, the writing part is a requirement — we’re looking to modify the environment, so you need to make something that lives in your environment, not in your gray matter.

This written memo to yourself will serve as a driver of action the next day. A body in motion tends to stay in motion.

Good ol’ Newton

And I should say: It doesn’t matter what’s on that list. It’s your top three, no one else’s. So what will you accomplish tomorrow?

It’s Friday and we’re still locked in, so we figure it’s time to eat some martinis.

Learn to make the classic gin martini in under 2 minutes:

Or if you just want the recipe:

• Fill mixing tin or glass with ice
• 2 oz. gin (we like Warwick)
• 1 oz. dry vermouth (we like Dolin’s)
• 1 dash orange bitters (we like Reagan’s No. 6)
• Stir until frost forms on the outside of mixing tin (~30 sec)
• Strain into martini glass or coupe
• Add lemon twist (squeeze lemon rind gently over the glass to release oils into cocktail before placing it in the glass)

If you’re anything like me, in the wake of the latest pandemic you found yourself adhered to the couch, staring into your phone, looking for hints about what the future had in store. It turns out this is not an ideal strategy for health, fitness, or keeping stress from eating your soul.

STRESSSSSSSSSSS

News of quarantine plans were emerging, and it was becoming obvious that I was about to find myself in the house seven days a week, which my brain told me I could fuel entirely with takeout and booze. Luckily, a different part of my brain knew I needed something to get me off the couch, off my phone, and to keep myself accountable. I figured what better way to do that than to adjust my training from a thrice weekly program built around unadulterated efficiency to a daily program built around simplicity and consistency. I figured this would help me stay on track and not succumb to stress.

Fuck this guy

I opted to break this daily workout into 5-10 micro-workouts performed on the hour. This would ensure that I was getting up frequently, moving around, and not crushing myself with a monster-sized high intensity workout, only to sink deep, deep into the couch cushions for the remainder of the day, eating, drinking, and stressing.

I also figured I should incorporate something from a 13th century mathematician because saying it like that made it sound kinda like witchcraft. (On an unrelated note, stress is bad for the brain and staying sane.)

Anyhoo, The Fibonacci Sequence came to mind because The Fibonacci Sequence rocks (and because Gérard de Bruxelles was the obvious choice and I wanted to get all esoteric with my 13th century mathematicians).

I mean… way too obvious, right?

WTF is the Fibonacci Sequence you ask? Is it the name of the remake of the remake of The Italian Job?

Well, it turns out yes

…but it’s also this:

To get the sequence going, start at 0 and add 1 to it (that equals 1, for those who are counting), then add 1 to the prior sum (1+1=2). Then add the two prior sums, ad infinitum:

So, we get 0,1,1,2,3,5,8,13,21… And that’s as high as I can count, so that’s what I used to construct the following workout program — designed to keep me moving and sane and to keep me from falling off a cliff of food and booze while locked in the house.

So here is The Plan (first I’ll just show you what I’m doing and then explain the whys and give you options to customize it for your level of fitness and available equipment)…

Each day:
-Wake-up
-Have coffee
–Foam rolling
-Set a timer for 1 hour on my phone. Every time it goes off, for a minimum of 5 sequences and a maximum of 10 sequence:

0 (escape from the couch cushions)
1 series of Croc Breaths
1 series Multi-Segmental Rolls
2 Weighted Chin-ups (w/ 24 Kg bell)
3 Double Kettlebell Presses (w/ 24 Kg bells)
5 Weighted Push-ups (w/ 45 lbs plate on back)
8 Double Kettlebell Squats (w/24 Kg bells)
13 Bent Rows (w/24 Kg bells)
21 Swings (w/24 Kg bell)

Why it works:

It creates a micro-workout that lasts about 5 minutes and gives the nervous system ample opportunities to groove good movement patterns while providing a gentle challenge for the musculoskeletal and cardiovascular systems.

The key is to select movements and loads that are not so challenging that they require a significant warm-up before each sequence, and that won’t create too much fatigue as you repeat the sequence several times each day. (There is also a micro-warmup/reset from the breathing and rolling patterns built into each sequence.) In other words, choose movements and loads that would have allowed you to do at least twice as many reps.

You may notice that I’m performing this workout with just a pair of kettlebells and a 45 lbs plate. With that equipment limitation in mind I setup the exercises so that the ones that are more challenging for me to do with those loads are in the low rep ranges, and the ones that are quite easy with those loads are in the high rep ranges. For most of us this will amount to upperbody movements earlier in the sequence and lowerbody movements later in the sequence.

How to customize the workout

The structure of the workout is as follows:

0: Alarm goes off
1: Breathing pattern
1: Rolling/PNF pattern
2: Vertical Pull
3: Vertical Push
5: Horizontal Push
8: Squat
13: Horizontal Pull
21: Hinge

But, feel free to swap any of the pushing, pulling, squatting, and hinging movements to a different rep range depending on your abilities and equipment (for instance, Horizontal Pulling and Squatting will probably be swapped in most low-equipment programs).

Below are some minimal equipment exercise options for each pattern, just plug in the ones that speak to you, that you’re comfortable with/familiar with, that you feel you can do with limited warmup, and that won’t be so challenging that you can’t perform the sequence repeatedly over the course of the day. And if you make a mistake, don’t worry about it; you can swap out that exercise or rearrange the order of exercises on the next sequence:

Breathing:
-Croc Breathing
-3 Month Position Breathing
-Supine 90/90
-Standing Belly Breaths

Rolling/PNF:
-Multi-Segmental Rolls
-Hard Roll
-Getup
-Quadruped Reach/Bird-Dog
-Chop & Lift (Supine, Half-kneeling, Tall-kneeling, Standing)
-Cross-Connect

Vertical Pull:
-Supine Band Pulldown
-Plank Position 1-Arm Band Pulldown
-Glider Army Crawl (on forearms; gliding disc/towel/paper plates under feet)
-Chin-ups

Vertical Push:
-Glider Supine Wall Push-away
-Glider Reverse Army Crawl
-Hand-stand Push-up

Horizontal Push:
-Wall Push-up
-Incline Push-up
-Push-up
-Decline Push-up
-Glider Archer Push-up
-1-Arm Incline Push-up
-1-Arm Push-up

Horizontal Pull:
-Band row
-Split-stance 1-Arm Band Row
-Seated Glider Rope Pull (seated on glider, rope attached to a stable object, pull yourself forward)
-Inverted Row
-Suspension Trainer (e.g., TRX) Row
-1-Arm Suspension Trainer Row

Squat:
-Supported Squat (holding stable object to reduce load)
-Bodyweight Squat
-Quadruped Squat (on all-fours, knees up, rock forward and backward)
-Split-Squat
-Rear Foot Elevated Split Squat (AKA, RFESS / Bulgarian Split-Squat)
-Jump Squat
-Single Leg Squat (off of box/chair/couch)
-Pistol Squat
(Although not a strict squatting pattern, I should also mention Reverse Lunges, Lateral Squats, and Lateral Lunges)

Hinge:
-Bodyweight Hinge
-Supine Glute Bridge
-Single-leg Glute Bridge
-Quadruped Hinge (like “downward dog” but with slightly bent knees)
-Single-leg Quadruped Hinge
-Glider Single-let RDL (like a glider reverse lunge but with a straight back leg)
-Glider Supine Hamstring Curl
-Single-leg Glider Supine Hamstring Curl
-Natural Glute Ham Raise

(I actually made three versions of the workout to keep things fresh over the course of the week. If you’re like me and have some workout ADD, consider making a few variations.)

Now get off the couch, set a timer, and reclaim your soul!

Seriously. Fuck this guy.

I have a bunch of lists I update regularly. I have a grocery list, a list of books I’m going to read, a list of places we want to travel to, a list of PRs, a list of buried bodies and locations, a list of restaurants and wineries we want to check out, a list of recipes we want to try…

I like lists.

After being glued to the TV and my phone as the Covid-19 pandemic began affecting daily life in the US, I looked at how I had spent the prior 48 hours and checked-in with myself about how I was feeling. It spurred me to start a new list:

It’s a list of hypothetical regrets.

What will I regret when this is over?

Will I regret…
     …being stronger, moving better, feeling better?
Or will I regret…
     …being tired, achy, out of shape?

Will I regret…
     …reading great books, doing the things I love but have limited time for, having taken care of tasks that I’ve back-burnered for a while?
Or will I regret…
     …constantly watching the news, scrolling through social media, being paralyzed with uncertainty and anxiety?

I encourage you to make a Regrets List. I encourage you to write it down, because it will give you a way to check-in with yourself and serve as a reminder of what you want at the end of this. Time is always limited, even when it is abundant.

But hey, I’m not the boss of you. Make a Regrets List or don’t. As a wise man I know once said, “You do what you do. I’ma do this!”

And if you do make a list, I’d love to hear what’s on it. If you’d like to see any of my lists, feel free to ask; I have very little to hide (aside from the bodies… those have to stay hidden).

With all that is going on in the world right now there’s been a mad dash to prepare for the impending apocalypse. People everywhere halted whatever they were doing and stormed their local grocery stores for toilet paper and canned goods. (Hold on, maybe eating all of those canned goods is why all that toilet paper is necessary?!?)

But seeing as Zombieland may still be aways off, and the produce section of the grocery store is virtually untouched by humans (or zombies), now is the perfect time to learn how to pickle your own vegetables.

We know the idea of MAKING pickled vegetables at home may seem daunting, but we promise it’s less painful than (and much more delicious than) the alternatives.

So if you are aching to have preserved food on hand that won’t annihilate your reserves of Charmin Ultra Soft and are weirded out by the thought of eating the majority of your meals out of a tin can, then this recipe is for you.

So feast your eyes! The first installment of Kitchen Hacks is here: